We are going to eat on Fry Street, and then I will show her part the campus and then we will head to the square for some dessert or drinks!

 I ‘m still feeling like we will probably buzz through all this pretty quickly since most of the campus isn’t really open. So Dentonites/UNT kids, are there any other things to do or places I should show her in Denton (keep in mind she is only 16)?

This is so hard for me to respond to, because I honestly have conflicting feelings about Adderall. Dealing with it in high school was one of the scariest things in my life. I had been on it since elementary school and my dose was around 40mg XR. On the days that I forgot to take it, I was a horrible, awful walking zombie. On the days that I did take it, my heart would beat like crazy and I was turned into a nervous work-horse, perfectionist that couldn’t sit still. I felt like I didn’t know who I truly was, didn’t know what my real and natural personality was because most of my significant personality traits were being influenced by the drug- I was a perfectionist, stubborn and “hard-worker”. I always needed something to work on, no matter how mundane. And while this was great for my grades, it scared the heck out of me to feel like I didn’t know my true self. I was constantly wondering what I would have been had I not been on Adderall for most of my life. Would I have been more popular? More daring? But it was now Junior/Senior year of high school and I couldn’t stop taking it for fear that my grades would drop, grades that I really needed for college scholarships. So I was stuck in this awful period of identity crisis while all of my friends around me seemed to be discovering who they really were.

When I got off of it during my freshman year of college, I felt free. I could relax. Genuinely relax and just sit with new friends. I could stop being so damn anal about everything. Stop thinking about homework 24/7. I could think about having fun and connecting with people.

I know it is over-reacting, that an occasional user won’t deal with the devastating withdrawls I did. But I still don’t want people to go through even a little of what I felt while being on it. Its like trying to watch a friend go out with a guy that cheated on you.

As I am typing this, my first Adderall pill after almost 2 years is finally kicking in, and I have to say I don’t miss the feeling. The restlessness in my limbs, the conflicting pull in my chest that is telling me to go do something, when I just want to sit here and scroll down tumblr. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who need it. That’s where my conflicting feelings come in. I am one of those people who need it, unfortunately. It has some good aspects. But PLEASE don’t write it off as some miracle drug, or harmless thing to play with because it can mess with your life, especially if you become addicted to the high.

So I did like 40 minutes of a p90x workout yesterday and I tried to get out of bed today and my legs and abs were like NOPE, LAY BACK DOWN.
How do you people do this.

I genuinely do not understand people who abuse Adderall. I have no respect for people who take it just to get high. If you don’t have a prescription, why the fuck would you want to take it. Yeah, you can get things done for a few hours, but coming down from that high is one of the worst things in the world.
My doctor and I have decided I need to go back on it after a year and a half of not taking it and I am dreading it so much. I have legitimate reasons for taking it, but I still have so little respect for myself right now.

Just like smoking, my advice to anyone who hasn’t tried it is PLEASE don’t do it.

So I finally got a dick in my inbox today.
I feel like its some kind of initiation thing. Like you are never truly a part of tumblr until you have a penis sent to you.

How the fuck do you find a decent guy that likes you.

I’m not even kidding.

Answer me.

?

So I’m trying to watch Once Upon a Time but that little Henry boy is so fucking annoying. Like how does he escape from his mom 20 times in every episode???
 

I would rather be anywhere but here. It feels like everything around me is crumbling.

Nothing changes. I am still an afterthought. Apologies don’t mean shit when you continue to leave me out.

I am really tired of being the second choice. That friend that no one remembers to invite. The one who no one wants to live with. Did I mention that everyone made plans to live together in apartments without me? Yeah. How my own current roommate doesn’t want to live with me anymore? Oh, and how one of my friends totally acted like they wanted to live with me and then chose someone else to live with without even mentioning it to me?

Real confidence boosters. So now I am going to be living alone next year, wondering what is so wrong with me that no one will live with me, and will probably not be invited to most of their events or outings. I am obviously not thought of very much by these people, so why would they bother to send me a text before they go to a party? This year I had to rely on tagging along with my roommate to get to any parties or events. And he won’t be there next year.  

And they wonder why I am depressed?? I’m sorry I don’t throw others under the bus. I’m sorry I didn’t annoy y’all 24/7 to get a spot in one of your apartment groups. I’m sorry I am a nice person. I’m sorry I am one of the optional people in this group of friends. Thanks for ruining my next year of school because y’all can’t take a second and think about me. Makes me realize just how high I am on your list of friends.

The worst part is that I have to act like nothing is wrong. This is the only real group of people I know and hang out with up here. I see them all the time in class and around campus. If I mention this to one of them they will think I am overreacting and being stupid because I didn’t beg them to share an apartment with me. But you know what? I shouldn’t have to beg. If you were a real friend you would have wanted to live with me or at least cared about what happens to me. 

So thanks for not being there for me like I would have been there for you.

The busses have been brutal. I don’t think people understand how difficult it is to try and ride the busses everyday when you have all of your art supplies and your heavy portfolio and the bus is packed and you can’t reach the bar at the top of the ceiling because you are too short.

Not to mention I found out that my roommate is going behind my back about something.

AND one of my canine teeth has a cavity or a crack or something because it hurts like hell. I can barely drink coffee or milk because it hurts from the heat and cold.

As a side note, I finally convinced my parents to give me one of their cars because of the bus situation, but even that is becoming a hassle because my mom thinks I can’t drive and is giving me all of these rules about using the car that are crazy.

So I’m almost finished with my essay and “The Point of No Return” from Phantom of the Opera comes on. How symbolic.

So many things going on this weekend and next week. And then Guild Wars 2 is released. And then classes start. And then all those events that UNT has during the first week of classes that I probably won’t go to, but get excited about anyway.
SEW OVERWHELMED.

Men have it so much easier than women in this world.